OMMM THATS RUDE!

I heard the best ever news today that they have brought back the retro Monster Munch. You know the ones that were dead big and crunchy and would take hours to eat when you were three, back in the days when it was ok to feed your toddler big fatty crisps that were high in saturated fat. Yay! You don't give a toss about Monster Munch, but the new retro packets brought back loads of memories and reminded me about the 90's! I once remember being naked in my front garden choking on a burger flavoured Monster Munch, happy times!

My first ever memory is being bathed in the sink. Thinking that maybe I was brought up in poverty, I asked my Mum why she used to wash me in a sink and she told me it was because I was a newborn baby and far too small to go in the bath in case I decided to drown myself. So that memory goes far back! I was looking at the sink not long ago and wishing my arse could still fit in it actually.

Then my memory suddenly jumps to me and my sister jumping on the bed pretending we were Ant and Dec singing "Let's Get Ready To Rumble." 90's pop music was amazing. And I'm talking about the times before them slaggy Spice Girls rolled up. Mr Blobby could get a Christmas number 1 in the charts and I remember once seeing a cartoon woman's tits on the inside sleeve of my brother's Guns 'n' Roses album and thinking "OMMM THATS RUDE!"

Another amazing thing about growing up was Mcdonalds. I don't know about you, but it used to be exciting to go there when you were tiny. Maybe I was a sad child! It was a tense moment when I'd open my Happy Meal, because if I got the same plastic piece of shit I'd already collected, I'd throw a huge tantrum and send my poor Mum back to the till to swap my toy for another plastic piece of shit! These days I do it more discretely and blame it on my non-existent little cousin! hah!

I was a tantrumer as a child. My first day of nursery ended in tears because everyone had dead nice pictures on their cloak pegs to help them remember where to hang their coat. Everyone else has pretty butterflies, flowers and cute dogs. But what did I get? A picture of a FUCKING ORANGE. A peice of fruit! I also think this was a secret gingerist ploy by the teacher. So naturally I kicked up a fuss until it was swapped with a cute dog. I was kicked out of nursery in the end because of a huge tantrum I threw because I got bollocked for mixing a few paints. They said it was because it was upsetting the other children, but really they eventually just ran out of the biscuits they used to try and shut me up.

Nobody knew what a clitoris was back then, apart from the weird little boy in the class who would eat his own bogies and get his willy out in the cloakroom. The naughtiest word I ever heard was "dildo". I miss being so carefree without any worries! But thats all part of growing up I suppose!

Well, that was all nostalgic and nice wasn't it! Either you completely understand what I've just been saying or you just think I'm a big freak. NANIGHT! xxx