MUMS!

Me and Katie have just had that morbid conversation when it gets to the late evening and you realise that your up early for work/school tomorrow.

Which then made us realise that the only people on this earth who never ever have to suffer that sick feeling when your hauling out of bed with your alarm ringing at 7:00AM are not only just people on the dole, millionaires and Cheryl Cole. It's another person and she comes in the form OF YOUR MUM. Unless your Mum works full time - in that case just stop reading now...

I honestly can't wait to be a housewife. I don't even necessarily care about the wife part of that - I just can't wait to pretend to be a busy Mum of six who is rushed off her feet all day!

When really, all I'd do is bundle the kids off the school with a pack of Dairylea Lunchables each, have a brew whilst watching Jeremy Kyle and then get on the phone to Julie and Tina and arrange where we are all meeting up for lunch.

Then before my builder husband and the kids get back, bung some smiley faces and burgers in the oven and despair when they all rush in and mess up my lovely cream carpets - which I can always pretend that I spent all morning hoovering.

I do appreciate all the nice things Mum's do, but really lets face it they just lie to us whilst we are out of the house all day and secretly lead a life of leisure!

Well would you believe it...

If you look at my high school leavers book, my name would definitely be one of the last to come under the "most likely to become a model" award. Which is why I've been keeping this dirty secret for a while now. Only the people closest to me know about this charade!

A few months ago, I was told about a modelling agency open day. I booked an appointment. I don't know why. I didn't do it because I think so highly of myself. Most people who know me will know that I have zero self esteem and that I think my face looks like a melted pie. I simply did it because I'm a person who acts on impulse. I don't think things through or consider what would happen if I actually went.

So I didn't turn up to my appointment. Part of it was because of my confidence and the other part was because to be honest, I was worried that people would look at me and wonder why I ever thought I could become a model.

Everything carried on just fine after that, in fact I forgot all about it. Until a lady rang me back asking why I didn't turn up. She'd seen some of my Myspace pictures I'd sent - how very 21st century! - and told me that I should really re-book an appointment. So once again, I acted on impulse.

It was my Mum who made me go. But I still believed there was a massive difference between your Mum telling you that you look nice compared to a bossy little gay queen who runs an agency telling you that your legs are too wobbly.

SO, to cut a long story short - I gulped down a load of wine and Tom was all supportive and trekked me all the way to Manchester.

When I got there, I died. It was honestly like being in an episode of The Hills. Everyone had Chanel bags and accents. And everyone was STUNNING. It was like being thrown into a massive white-washed superficial room. There was a really pushy parent there to, forcing her chubby little girl to do all the right poses.

At this point I was really really worked up. Poor Tom had to sit next to me whilst I went through a mix of emotions including embarrassment, shyness and even a bit of jealousy. I kept telling myself that the girls behind the desk were sniggering and thinking "surely SHE isn't here to audition."

I filled in a form telling them how small my tits and feet where and then got told that only the smallest percentage of girls were going to be picked, so don't be all upset.

My name got called up, a friendly lady took 3 pictures of me and I scuttled out full of relief. Then I went home and Tom made me loads of chips and fish fingers and once again I forgot all about it!

And for the past 3 weeks, it hasn't crossed my mind. Until I got a letter telling me to ring a man called Howard.

So I rang Howard who seemed like a nice little gay chap from the Liverpool office and he told me that they want me on their books. They actually want my face on their website. LOL.

At first my Dad went into serious mode and told me that I was just going to get ripped off. Howard had a nice chat and explained the small print of my contract, and the only time they take any money from me is the 20% they take from any earnings I make from the work they find me. And then he heard some of names who'll I'll be going to castings with and shut up!

I don't know why and I don't know how. But next weekend I'm off to a photo shoot to have my portfolio made up - where I'll probably have to drink more wine and be even more nervous.

I'm doing this for the experience. I haven't built my hopes up and got some deluded aspirations to become the next Kate Moss, I'll just take it all as it comes and whatever happens will happen. Even if I get the chance to just have my hair and make-up done, its a day out!

I'm excited and nervous and worried.

And now I'm off to the gym with my personel trainer and to go and throw up my lunch...!



xxx

DUUUUUUUUH

I failed my theory test again today. Last time I failed my hazard perception, which I managed to pass this time. I failed today just by two bloody questions. So in my eyes, I have passed the test - just on two diferent days three months apart!

I can book my driving test as soon as my theory is passed which is so frustrating! I'm sure I just go into the test room, sit down and dribble everywhere...

There isn't much point in being down about it though, I did only manage to find my highway code on Thursday night!

I think I'll start my Christmas shopping soon. That DFS advert that tells you to buy a couch before Christmas has got me all festive!

xxx

At the minute my life is plodding along very nicely! Which got me wondering where I'll be in about 12 months time when I''ve been promoted to a high-flying, jet-setting managing director! I've already been drinking cocktails on weeknights, but thats not because I'm classy - just a pisshead who can afford abit more than Asda smartprice wine now!

I've decided to make a list similar to the one that me and Mark made at the start of college last year. We wrote a few things that we wanted to achieve over 12 months. I won't mention what we actually wrote - I'm just relieved to say that most of our predictions were ticked off the list! There are a few remaining, but I really doubt we'll be finding that person a boyfriend any time soon!

Anyway, I hope that I can come back to this list in 12 months time and say the same. I think that if I really try hard enough, nothing on this list is impossible!


- Pass my driving test and get a decent car

- Get a nice cheeky little salary rise at work in January

- Scrape enough money together to move out into a nice place and still be able to afford food

- Become an Auntie to the baby Gary and Sarah WILL have!

- Go abroad with Tom

- Have more college reunions in the pub


I'll probably add more things, it's only really for my benefit so I can look back in a year and see the changes.

xxx

OH MY GOD I SAW IT FLOP!

I prefer the monthly gay night at lux than I do the normal weekly one. Its not packed to the rafters with skinny jeans and Hollyoaks cast members. Then theres the Girls Aloud megamix that gets played and also every now and again some trannies come on stage singing and dancing. HOW GAY!

When you go out every week it starts to get all a little bit routine, so lastnight when a big hairy stripper came on stage and started bending over, I started to realise that it was going to be rather a good night! Not because I got to see a hairy crack in a pink thong, but just because of Tom's face when the stripper whipped that towel off whilst saying "OH MY GOD I SAW IT FLOP!"

I'm going to a college reunion today at the Tudor. By reunion I mean a few of us from Photography, Nathan Croucher and my brother. It's the last day of my unhealthy week so I plan to go out in style. Until I end up having a burger for my dinner tomorrow!

xxx

Its been a funny old week. I caught up with Mark in the Tudor over a game of table football, then watched him down sambuca shots on a weeknight! He really is becoming Wigan's answer the Amy Winehouse, that wildchild. Just minus all the crack and yellow teeth, obviousley. I saw Emilie too on Friday night and we had a much needed chat and a nice time. I won't see Em sometimes for about 2 months, then suddenly she just springs out of nowhere like she's never been away! Which is handy if someone if going to be your best mate!

Then of course at the weekend it was time for me and Tom to wake up and go on another daytrip like an old pensioner couple! We decided to take Poppy to Southport where we got covered in chips and gravy, had an icecream at the beach and then built a gigantic sand cock. It was a lovely day!

I think Poppy enjoyed herself too. Seeing as I got payed during the week, I treated her to a new lead in the hope that I could win her over and be accepted into the family. And also because Tom forgot to bring her other one and had to carry her around Southport haha.

Next weekend I think we'll pack some tuna sandwhiches and go to Morcambe. But we'll have to be back home before Heartbeat comes on.

I don't know what to do which myself for the rest of this week! Now that I've been payed I don't actually want to spend my money. It looks dead nice on a bank statement! But lets all go to the Tudor anyway for a gay old time.

xxx

OMMM THATS RUDE!

I heard the best ever news today that they have brought back the retro Monster Munch. You know the ones that were dead big and crunchy and would take hours to eat when you were three, back in the days when it was ok to feed your toddler big fatty crisps that were high in saturated fat. Yay! You don't give a toss about Monster Munch, but the new retro packets brought back loads of memories and reminded me about the 90's! I once remember being naked in my front garden choking on a burger flavoured Monster Munch, happy times!

My first ever memory is being bathed in the sink. Thinking that maybe I was brought up in poverty, I asked my Mum why she used to wash me in a sink and she told me it was because I was a newborn baby and far too small to go in the bath in case I decided to drown myself. So that memory goes far back! I was looking at the sink not long ago and wishing my arse could still fit in it actually.

Then my memory suddenly jumps to me and my sister jumping on the bed pretending we were Ant and Dec singing "Let's Get Ready To Rumble." 90's pop music was amazing. And I'm talking about the times before them slaggy Spice Girls rolled up. Mr Blobby could get a Christmas number 1 in the charts and I remember once seeing a cartoon woman's tits on the inside sleeve of my brother's Guns 'n' Roses album and thinking "OMMM THATS RUDE!"

Another amazing thing about growing up was Mcdonalds. I don't know about you, but it used to be exciting to go there when you were tiny. Maybe I was a sad child! It was a tense moment when I'd open my Happy Meal, because if I got the same plastic piece of shit I'd already collected, I'd throw a huge tantrum and send my poor Mum back to the till to swap my toy for another plastic piece of shit! These days I do it more discretely and blame it on my non-existent little cousin! hah!

I was a tantrumer as a child. My first day of nursery ended in tears because everyone had dead nice pictures on their cloak pegs to help them remember where to hang their coat. Everyone else has pretty butterflies, flowers and cute dogs. But what did I get? A picture of a FUCKING ORANGE. A peice of fruit! I also think this was a secret gingerist ploy by the teacher. So naturally I kicked up a fuss until it was swapped with a cute dog. I was kicked out of nursery in the end because of a huge tantrum I threw because I got bollocked for mixing a few paints. They said it was because it was upsetting the other children, but really they eventually just ran out of the biscuits they used to try and shut me up.

Nobody knew what a clitoris was back then, apart from the weird little boy in the class who would eat his own bogies and get his willy out in the cloakroom. The naughtiest word I ever heard was "dildo". I miss being so carefree without any worries! But thats all part of growing up I suppose!

Well, that was all nostalgic and nice wasn't it! Either you completely understand what I've just been saying or you just think I'm a big freak. NANIGHT! xxx