FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!111111

Yesterday was the end of my first ever proper working week, so I was determined to chug down a bottle of cheap wine and go out and have fun! And I did!

Nobody was out though, so I expected it to end fairly soon to be honest. But it actually turned out to be one of the best nights out in ages! Everyone should stay in more often! Me and Tom roamed around Lux for abit mingling with people we slightly know and at first it looked like we'd be on the next bus home! But then we rolled into Officers and sat and drank that cheap German wine that tastes like bleach. It was nice just relaxing, sitting chatting about complete drunken shite and having a laugh, rather than drunkenly arguing over whats in my inbox hah! Then we got kicked out at closing time, so rolled about abit more!

Then we went and got our weekly pizza - well its a daily thing for Tom! - and enjoyed our romantic meal on our wall watching some slags have a bit of a scrap. Lovely!

Our walk home took alot longer than usual, but thats another story that could never fill up this blog!

xxx

Working class girl...

Well today was my first day in my new job. I was up bright and early at 6.30am and watched the really early part of GMTV that is aimed at the more well-educated working class citizens. My alarm isn't set so early for tomorrow, by the way!

I still don't know what my actual job description is. If I ever have to fill in my job title on a form I'd describe it as "kind of administrative financing whilst creating invoices and order forms and sometimes making a brew for Martin."

I enjoyed working with the people in the office - poor Denise trying to train me up with six months worth of knowlege in just a day. And then it dawned on me at about 11 o'clock that this job was going to be fucking complicated and hard work. Normally, thats when I'd start feeling ill or pretend that I'd been offered another job. But then I realised that for once in my life, if I do actually want to reach the high salary then I'd fucking sit there and put up with it. And I had to deal with an angry man from Skem, who I proper ended up making cry in the end.

Its only been a day, but I feel like my life has just been changed completely! It's a bold statement to make, but it's true. I spend my time differently in the daytime now, and I know that Friday nights will feel exciting again when I know I've earned a nice weekend off.

Anyway, enough about work, I have to go back there in about 13 hours! But its nice to be able to say I'm going back, rather than making up an exuse about why I should quit.

xxx

People who have annoyed me this week...

Over the past week I've been all hormonal and just plain twatty really, so I will blame the following people...

1. Lily Allen

I used to like our Lily when she actually made good music as apposed to rolling out of clubs with her burger nips out and punching French girls. For such a headstrong, opinionated bitch who is forever banging on about how the tabloids create such a negative image of her, you'd think she'd just learn when to shut up.

When she announced she was pregnant she tried to create a possitive imagine for herself, wanting to appear as a role model for young people, probably to hide the fact that she'd just got up the duff with a man she'd known for two months:



Lily is desperate to give up smoking announcing she was pregnant last month.
A spokesperson for Lily’s said: “She wants to crack this. She realises it will be a struggle but her baby is more important.
“Lily is aware that she is a role model and wants to portray a positive image of herself for young people to look up to.”


However, since tragically suffering a miscarriage she's now quoted as saying:

The star, who tried ecstasy at 14, said: “I won’t say I’m never going to do drugs again. I just know I’m not a good person on drugs.”

What an amazing Mum you would have been! It just goes to show that these kind of people don't actually give a fuck about being good role models, which is fair enough - they never asked to be role models in the first place, just don't try and pretend in the first place! Thankyou!


2. Drunk Lad in Jumpin' Jaks

Whoever you are, you caused so much upset lastnight with your sex pest hands, I really hope you ended up pulling a lovely girl. And when you woke up next to her this morning you realised that she was actually called Ken and had far more morning wood than you. And aids. Twaaaat!


3. Nathan Croucher

Stop coming out pretending you have eplilepsy and that it's "ok to cheat on my girlfriend with a big fat slag, she'll never know." I'll tell her. Boys like you should have their balls chopped off, like they do to randy dogs.


4. Mr Joe

I thought I was being dead clever ordering a large chips, but once again I was proven so wrong when Tom was sat there with an orgasmic 12" pizza and I was left with a shitload of your soggy greasy chips with black bits in.


5. Stew

For reading my blog off his own back, then saying I lead a sad life. I don't document every single event of my life on here - I just wouldn't be able to find the space to mention all the crew from my evening flower arranging class and I've still not had chance to upload those pictures of my most recent knitting pattern projects, I'm afraid. Sorry i'm not out getting people pregnant or whatever you cool kids do these days!


6. Me

I've annoyed myself this week. I'd probably do almost everything differently. Apart from my job inerview, that went well! But yeah, I'll take this as an opperunity to apologise if you've found me annoying at any point or if I've "DONE YER HEAD IN". Maybe you havn't even noticed and just don't care! It's only aimed at one person anyway haha! And I love you sooo much!

xxx

BooHoo

I've had a rubbish weekend so far, well apart from finding out that I've got a really decent full-time job - but that's another long and boring story!

Everyone in the house has gone out for a jolly day to Southport and left me at home with empty cupboards! I've not had a Sunday Dinner for well over a month now, which is just a monstrosity! So I went to the freezer and tried to knock-up the closest thing to a roast dinner.

Which means right now I've got two Birdseye chicken fillets, a couple of waffles and a Yorkshire pudding in the oven! Classy!

I wasn't meant to be razzing it up tonight on the town, I've been really ill so it would make sense to recover properly for when I start work on Tuesday! Until I spoke to Mark. And I'm not even going to play the "BUT IT'S OK, I CAN AFFORD IT AS I WON'T BE DRINKING!" game, because I've got a bottle of wine in front of me and whether I decide to go out or not, it's getting chugged down tonight. All I need now is a one bedroom flat and a tatty looking cat and I'm officially a sad spinster!

And now I need to go and knock up some gravy!

xxx

Smooth Balls vs Ginger Tits

Well yesterday turned out to be a fun day! Tom had a day off work, so we spent all morning watching This Morning like a couple on the benefits!

Later on, we decided to pretend we were in an American teen movie and GO ON A DATE TO THE BOWLING ALLEY!!!!!!1111

Whenever me and Tom do anything competetive he always wins. No matter how hard I try he always ends up lapping me seven times on the go-karts! I just accepted this fact and eventually gave up! So he was almost slitting his wrists lastnight when I actually beat him at something! In 40 years time, people in Wigan will still be talking about the day when Tom Porter actually got beaten! HAH! I had to buy him a pizza to stop him from throwing a tantrum as well. Bless!

xxx

A realistic Agony Aunt...

When I was younger, I'd read the problem pages in teen magazines and think "OH MY GOD, I can sooooo totally relate to that! I'm going to take this ladies advice and go and live my life now!" You know the type of thing I'm talking about. Young girls who seek advice about their small tits or heavy periods from some fabricated, friendly looking lady called June - who is really a 56 year old editor called Bernard.

But reading back at them now is so hilarious! The answers are so patronising and politically correct. For example, a 15 year old girl wants to commit and have sex with her boyfriend. She's given the advice that such a thing is illegal and those kind of urges will send you straight to hell! Wouldn't our country's high teenage pregnancy rate be lowered if she was just told to make sure they use a condom? Lets face it, it's going to happen anyway. And probably on a park bench with nothing but a Walkers crisp packet for protection.

But I'll give June some credit. Some of the questions that get asked are equally hilarious. Here are a few examples...


Asked by: Kelly
help! ive never had a boyfriend before, and I want one before the end of year 7! Thats only 9 days away! any tips?

OMG YOUR IN YEAR 7 AND DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND YET?! I bet most of your friends have already lost their virginity - what is wrong you freak?! If you ever expect to have any kind relationship in your lifetime now, your only solution is rape.


Asked by: Amy
hi, i was just recently fingering myself and now my vagina hurts.....what does this mean?

This is God's way of telling you that you WILL die and go straight to hell for your evil sins!

Asked by: Katie
hi im 13 and the fattiest in my class im 9stone already so i tried to loose weight by exersising more and cutting down on ice lollies. i talked to my parents about it and my mum did it with me and cooked healthier meals but iv lost no weight at all if anything iv put it on why is this?

Well, firstly you should ask yourself if all those ice lollies that you've cut out were the real culprit in your obesity. Chasing the ice cream van down the street isn't really a significant amount of exercise to burn away your thunder thighs, is it? Maybe you should also consider cutting out all those pies you keep cramming into yer gob!

Asked by: Sarah
ok. a couple of questions! i go down on my bf, bt the only thing im worried about is wen he comes into my mouth, nd im worried that if i swallow a bit , i mite get pregnant? also my bf fingered me nd i sort of needed the toilet but wasnt that desperate to go ,neway , wen he took his fingers out they were wet, i dont think it was urine coz i wud of known if i was about to pee, but i was sexually excited wen he was doing it to ,so does that mean tht the clear liquid was come?

This just left me speechless! Listen love, your clearly not at the stage of sexual maturity if you think that's how babies are made, what are you doing?! And you felt like you needed the toilet because you were on the brink of a massive orgasm and now you are also going straight to hell!

These are all genuine by the way, which worries me the most!

xxx

Those shoes are shit...

I've just got back from doing a nice bit of window shopping with Em and Mark. And by that I mean we roamed about looking for a cheap pair of shoes for my job interview and then ended up sitting in The Tudor.

We had a good catch-up, its always a laugh with those two little tramps! We could just literally sit there all day talking about nothingness. I've got into the habit of ending up in The Tudor alot lately. Mark described it as "like one of those pubs in Camden where you'd find Amy Winehouse hanging out." So I suppose that's as trendy as we'll ever be getting...

I like it in there though. During the day, there's always the really alternative gang of people sat in a dark corner keeping themselves to themselves. But you just know you'll be bumping into them in the same place on a Friday night and they'll be chatting with you about the state of the economy or reciting poetry at you.

I'm one of those people who HAS to get drunk once I've started drinking. I can't just settle for just a couple. Oh no! A coke leads to another one with Malibu in it. Then I find myself adding double the Malibu. Then I'm ordering a bottle of the cheapest rose wine. Then 3 hours later, Me and Mark are rolling to the bus station holding back gallons of vomit. Our window shopping trips usually end up like this!

Today was just one exception though, because for some silly reason I went and booked a driving lesson at 4:15. Which I better go and be getting ready for!

xxx

God can be so harsh at times...

Now I like to think I'm in touch with all the current affairs of our big wide world. However, today when I was flicking through the paper it wasn't the stabbing of two more teenagers or the horrific trouble that is going on in Georgia that concerned me most. It was something far more shocking.

I want you to imagine that your parents are two massive Hollywood actors. Your Mum is Demi Moore, who was a huge sex symbol in the 80's and is still looking rather fine at almost 50 - we won't mention the old botox however! And your Dad is Bruce Willis who managed to look hot in a white vest when he had abit more hair in the Die Hard movies. Now you'd think that when these two fitties got it on and produced a child, both of their glorious genes would come together to produce some kind of super human with looks that could kill. What could possibly ever go wrong?!

My theory was proven so so wrong when I saw a picture of their daughter Rumer. Now I know i'm no super model myself, but both of my parents raised me in the old industrial town of Wigan so I'm just thankful that I wasn't born a mutant with three extra legs.

BEHOLD!

This poor girl should be blessed with her Mum's gorgeous cheek bones and slender figure, along with her Dad's piercing eyes! Instead all she got stuck with was a big potato head! The poor thing! It goes to show that there really isn't any justice in our world, for Demi Moore's daughter to have to look at her reflection everyday and have a big manly square chin taking up the entire frame!

There is still hope for our poor Rumer though. She has cunningly mastered a look that allows her to look abit more presentable - simply by hiding half of her spud features completely! Bless!


xxx

Had abit of a dry spell...

I've just had a lovely reminiscent moment looking back on my last entries, oh it's been a while! Two years to be precise! In fact, the only reason I'm bumming about around here again is because my good friends Mark and Nathan both write great blogs so I decided to come an laugh at mine in "a cringey fashion".

So how do I fill you in on the last two years? I'll start where I left off...

Not much has changed. I'm still looking for work! I did get a job for a while as a waitress when I was 16. Five quid an hour cash in hand, I had such high aspirations about saving up for my first Porsche Boxster and a quaint little manor house in the country. My boss was one of them that never really gave me any idea when my next shift would be, sometimes I'd be given 15 minutes to get my arse into work. I didn't care at first because I was naive and thought I was rich beond my wildest dreams. But then I went and got all scatty and infatuated over a boy who handily lived an hour away from work so I'd take refuge there at the weekends and let my mum deal with the angry phone calls from work.

Then the phone calls stopped... so I wisely took a hint. So did those weekend visits actually.

I did do another stint at the old working game in a pie shop. People always laugh when I tell them that, but those same people where forming a mile long que on Saturdays demanding that I fill their fat faces with cheese pasties. I got annoyed in the end because I got bored of having to revise slits on pies. Its a gifted talent being able to glance at a line of pies and be able to arrange their flavours according to the number of slits they have. God forbid you ever mix up those slits. And there are SO many different types of bread. I was given so much time to revise them and then I had a test. I didn't care about bread! I wanted to be drunk like all the other cool teenagers!

Amazingly, some other stuff happened during those two years. I finished my A-levels, painted my bedroom pink and learned the hard way that vodka and orange cordial will never end with a happy night!

But I'm finally at that point in my life now where I know this is the happiest I've ever been. I'm madly in love with an amazing boy, I'm about to get a full-time job and I'm almost able to drive. I feel like my life is going somewhere nowadays, rather than just having to worry about steak pies having three slits. And if this is the happiest I'll ever get, I'm quite happy to settle for that!

And that just about sums it up!

xxx