Well would you believe it...

If you look at my high school leavers book, my name would definitely be one of the last to come under the "most likely to become a model" award. Which is why I've been keeping this dirty secret for a while now. Only the people closest to me know about this charade!

A few months ago, I was told about a modelling agency open day. I booked an appointment. I don't know why. I didn't do it because I think so highly of myself. Most people who know me will know that I have zero self esteem and that I think my face looks like a melted pie. I simply did it because I'm a person who acts on impulse. I don't think things through or consider what would happen if I actually went.

So I didn't turn up to my appointment. Part of it was because of my confidence and the other part was because to be honest, I was worried that people would look at me and wonder why I ever thought I could become a model.

Everything carried on just fine after that, in fact I forgot all about it. Until a lady rang me back asking why I didn't turn up. She'd seen some of my Myspace pictures I'd sent - how very 21st century! - and told me that I should really re-book an appointment. So once again, I acted on impulse.

It was my Mum who made me go. But I still believed there was a massive difference between your Mum telling you that you look nice compared to a bossy little gay queen who runs an agency telling you that your legs are too wobbly.

SO, to cut a long story short - I gulped down a load of wine and Tom was all supportive and trekked me all the way to Manchester.

When I got there, I died. It was honestly like being in an episode of The Hills. Everyone had Chanel bags and accents. And everyone was STUNNING. It was like being thrown into a massive white-washed superficial room. There was a really pushy parent there to, forcing her chubby little girl to do all the right poses.

At this point I was really really worked up. Poor Tom had to sit next to me whilst I went through a mix of emotions including embarrassment, shyness and even a bit of jealousy. I kept telling myself that the girls behind the desk were sniggering and thinking "surely SHE isn't here to audition."

I filled in a form telling them how small my tits and feet where and then got told that only the smallest percentage of girls were going to be picked, so don't be all upset.

My name got called up, a friendly lady took 3 pictures of me and I scuttled out full of relief. Then I went home and Tom made me loads of chips and fish fingers and once again I forgot all about it!

And for the past 3 weeks, it hasn't crossed my mind. Until I got a letter telling me to ring a man called Howard.

So I rang Howard who seemed like a nice little gay chap from the Liverpool office and he told me that they want me on their books. They actually want my face on their website. LOL.

At first my Dad went into serious mode and told me that I was just going to get ripped off. Howard had a nice chat and explained the small print of my contract, and the only time they take any money from me is the 20% they take from any earnings I make from the work they find me. And then he heard some of names who'll I'll be going to castings with and shut up!

I don't know why and I don't know how. But next weekend I'm off to a photo shoot to have my portfolio made up - where I'll probably have to drink more wine and be even more nervous.

I'm doing this for the experience. I haven't built my hopes up and got some deluded aspirations to become the next Kate Moss, I'll just take it all as it comes and whatever happens will happen. Even if I get the chance to just have my hair and make-up done, its a day out!

I'm excited and nervous and worried.

And now I'm off to the gym with my personel trainer and to go and throw up my lunch...!



xxx

DUUUUUUUUH

I failed my theory test again today. Last time I failed my hazard perception, which I managed to pass this time. I failed today just by two bloody questions. So in my eyes, I have passed the test - just on two diferent days three months apart!

I can book my driving test as soon as my theory is passed which is so frustrating! I'm sure I just go into the test room, sit down and dribble everywhere...

There isn't much point in being down about it though, I did only manage to find my highway code on Thursday night!

I think I'll start my Christmas shopping soon. That DFS advert that tells you to buy a couch before Christmas has got me all festive!

xxx

At the minute my life is plodding along very nicely! Which got me wondering where I'll be in about 12 months time when I''ve been promoted to a high-flying, jet-setting managing director! I've already been drinking cocktails on weeknights, but thats not because I'm classy - just a pisshead who can afford abit more than Asda smartprice wine now!

I've decided to make a list similar to the one that me and Mark made at the start of college last year. We wrote a few things that we wanted to achieve over 12 months. I won't mention what we actually wrote - I'm just relieved to say that most of our predictions were ticked off the list! There are a few remaining, but I really doubt we'll be finding that person a boyfriend any time soon!

Anyway, I hope that I can come back to this list in 12 months time and say the same. I think that if I really try hard enough, nothing on this list is impossible!


- Pass my driving test and get a decent car

- Get a nice cheeky little salary rise at work in January

- Scrape enough money together to move out into a nice place and still be able to afford food

- Become an Auntie to the baby Gary and Sarah WILL have!

- Go abroad with Tom

- Have more college reunions in the pub


I'll probably add more things, it's only really for my benefit so I can look back in a year and see the changes.

xxx

OH MY GOD I SAW IT FLOP!

I prefer the monthly gay night at lux than I do the normal weekly one. Its not packed to the rafters with skinny jeans and Hollyoaks cast members. Then theres the Girls Aloud megamix that gets played and also every now and again some trannies come on stage singing and dancing. HOW GAY!

When you go out every week it starts to get all a little bit routine, so lastnight when a big hairy stripper came on stage and started bending over, I started to realise that it was going to be rather a good night! Not because I got to see a hairy crack in a pink thong, but just because of Tom's face when the stripper whipped that towel off whilst saying "OH MY GOD I SAW IT FLOP!"

I'm going to a college reunion today at the Tudor. By reunion I mean a few of us from Photography, Nathan Croucher and my brother. It's the last day of my unhealthy week so I plan to go out in style. Until I end up having a burger for my dinner tomorrow!

xxx

Its been a funny old week. I caught up with Mark in the Tudor over a game of table football, then watched him down sambuca shots on a weeknight! He really is becoming Wigan's answer the Amy Winehouse, that wildchild. Just minus all the crack and yellow teeth, obviousley. I saw Emilie too on Friday night and we had a much needed chat and a nice time. I won't see Em sometimes for about 2 months, then suddenly she just springs out of nowhere like she's never been away! Which is handy if someone if going to be your best mate!

Then of course at the weekend it was time for me and Tom to wake up and go on another daytrip like an old pensioner couple! We decided to take Poppy to Southport where we got covered in chips and gravy, had an icecream at the beach and then built a gigantic sand cock. It was a lovely day!

I think Poppy enjoyed herself too. Seeing as I got payed during the week, I treated her to a new lead in the hope that I could win her over and be accepted into the family. And also because Tom forgot to bring her other one and had to carry her around Southport haha.

Next weekend I think we'll pack some tuna sandwhiches and go to Morcambe. But we'll have to be back home before Heartbeat comes on.

I don't know what to do which myself for the rest of this week! Now that I've been payed I don't actually want to spend my money. It looks dead nice on a bank statement! But lets all go to the Tudor anyway for a gay old time.

xxx

OMMM THATS RUDE!

I heard the best ever news today that they have brought back the retro Monster Munch. You know the ones that were dead big and crunchy and would take hours to eat when you were three, back in the days when it was ok to feed your toddler big fatty crisps that were high in saturated fat. Yay! You don't give a toss about Monster Munch, but the new retro packets brought back loads of memories and reminded me about the 90's! I once remember being naked in my front garden choking on a burger flavoured Monster Munch, happy times!

My first ever memory is being bathed in the sink. Thinking that maybe I was brought up in poverty, I asked my Mum why she used to wash me in a sink and she told me it was because I was a newborn baby and far too small to go in the bath in case I decided to drown myself. So that memory goes far back! I was looking at the sink not long ago and wishing my arse could still fit in it actually.

Then my memory suddenly jumps to me and my sister jumping on the bed pretending we were Ant and Dec singing "Let's Get Ready To Rumble." 90's pop music was amazing. And I'm talking about the times before them slaggy Spice Girls rolled up. Mr Blobby could get a Christmas number 1 in the charts and I remember once seeing a cartoon woman's tits on the inside sleeve of my brother's Guns 'n' Roses album and thinking "OMMM THATS RUDE!"

Another amazing thing about growing up was Mcdonalds. I don't know about you, but it used to be exciting to go there when you were tiny. Maybe I was a sad child! It was a tense moment when I'd open my Happy Meal, because if I got the same plastic piece of shit I'd already collected, I'd throw a huge tantrum and send my poor Mum back to the till to swap my toy for another plastic piece of shit! These days I do it more discretely and blame it on my non-existent little cousin! hah!

I was a tantrumer as a child. My first day of nursery ended in tears because everyone had dead nice pictures on their cloak pegs to help them remember where to hang their coat. Everyone else has pretty butterflies, flowers and cute dogs. But what did I get? A picture of a FUCKING ORANGE. A peice of fruit! I also think this was a secret gingerist ploy by the teacher. So naturally I kicked up a fuss until it was swapped with a cute dog. I was kicked out of nursery in the end because of a huge tantrum I threw because I got bollocked for mixing a few paints. They said it was because it was upsetting the other children, but really they eventually just ran out of the biscuits they used to try and shut me up.

Nobody knew what a clitoris was back then, apart from the weird little boy in the class who would eat his own bogies and get his willy out in the cloakroom. The naughtiest word I ever heard was "dildo". I miss being so carefree without any worries! But thats all part of growing up I suppose!

Well, that was all nostalgic and nice wasn't it! Either you completely understand what I've just been saying or you just think I'm a big freak. NANIGHT! xxx

Whatever happened to Little Dave?

Now that I've finally mastered not going into roundabouts at 4th gear on my driving lessons, I've been dragging my dad out every Sunday looking for a car. We've actually been getting on well recently, mainly because I can afford to support myself now and also he just likes test-driving cars.

Its funny, because in the past when I've had any kind of money I've blown it straight away on silly things like dresses! I've saved up and given myself a modest budget for my first car though. But since my Dad has been looking with me, this modest budget has tripled! And I like how he still expects me to insure it on my own! He cares about how the car is going to run, whereas I just care about the seats and if they have a scary triangle pattern on.

Theres not much going on at the moment, apart from when Tom comes round to my house in the week for a bum. And to hide a pretty necklace behind my wardrobe for me to find! That is one of the sweetest things he has ever done for me, along with farting on me in his sleep once!

I think the Friday night crew need a reunion soon, I honestly think Little Dave got molested and kidnapped when he got out of the taxi the last night I saw him. We had fun that night though because we were all skint and just ended up sitting on a kerb in King Street. YAY.

I don't really know where I'm going with this blog and I'm tired.

SO NANIGHT!

xxx

FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!111111

Yesterday was the end of my first ever proper working week, so I was determined to chug down a bottle of cheap wine and go out and have fun! And I did!

Nobody was out though, so I expected it to end fairly soon to be honest. But it actually turned out to be one of the best nights out in ages! Everyone should stay in more often! Me and Tom roamed around Lux for abit mingling with people we slightly know and at first it looked like we'd be on the next bus home! But then we rolled into Officers and sat and drank that cheap German wine that tastes like bleach. It was nice just relaxing, sitting chatting about complete drunken shite and having a laugh, rather than drunkenly arguing over whats in my inbox hah! Then we got kicked out at closing time, so rolled about abit more!

Then we went and got our weekly pizza - well its a daily thing for Tom! - and enjoyed our romantic meal on our wall watching some slags have a bit of a scrap. Lovely!

Our walk home took alot longer than usual, but thats another story that could never fill up this blog!

xxx

Working class girl...

Well today was my first day in my new job. I was up bright and early at 6.30am and watched the really early part of GMTV that is aimed at the more well-educated working class citizens. My alarm isn't set so early for tomorrow, by the way!

I still don't know what my actual job description is. If I ever have to fill in my job title on a form I'd describe it as "kind of administrative financing whilst creating invoices and order forms and sometimes making a brew for Martin."

I enjoyed working with the people in the office - poor Denise trying to train me up with six months worth of knowlege in just a day. And then it dawned on me at about 11 o'clock that this job was going to be fucking complicated and hard work. Normally, thats when I'd start feeling ill or pretend that I'd been offered another job. But then I realised that for once in my life, if I do actually want to reach the high salary then I'd fucking sit there and put up with it. And I had to deal with an angry man from Skem, who I proper ended up making cry in the end.

Its only been a day, but I feel like my life has just been changed completely! It's a bold statement to make, but it's true. I spend my time differently in the daytime now, and I know that Friday nights will feel exciting again when I know I've earned a nice weekend off.

Anyway, enough about work, I have to go back there in about 13 hours! But its nice to be able to say I'm going back, rather than making up an exuse about why I should quit.

xxx

People who have annoyed me this week...

Over the past week I've been all hormonal and just plain twatty really, so I will blame the following people...

1. Lily Allen

I used to like our Lily when she actually made good music as apposed to rolling out of clubs with her burger nips out and punching French girls. For such a headstrong, opinionated bitch who is forever banging on about how the tabloids create such a negative image of her, you'd think she'd just learn when to shut up.

When she announced she was pregnant she tried to create a possitive imagine for herself, wanting to appear as a role model for young people, probably to hide the fact that she'd just got up the duff with a man she'd known for two months:



Lily is desperate to give up smoking announcing she was pregnant last month.
A spokesperson for Lily’s said: “She wants to crack this. She realises it will be a struggle but her baby is more important.
“Lily is aware that she is a role model and wants to portray a positive image of herself for young people to look up to.”


However, since tragically suffering a miscarriage she's now quoted as saying:

The star, who tried ecstasy at 14, said: “I won’t say I’m never going to do drugs again. I just know I’m not a good person on drugs.”

What an amazing Mum you would have been! It just goes to show that these kind of people don't actually give a fuck about being good role models, which is fair enough - they never asked to be role models in the first place, just don't try and pretend in the first place! Thankyou!


2. Drunk Lad in Jumpin' Jaks

Whoever you are, you caused so much upset lastnight with your sex pest hands, I really hope you ended up pulling a lovely girl. And when you woke up next to her this morning you realised that she was actually called Ken and had far more morning wood than you. And aids. Twaaaat!


3. Nathan Croucher

Stop coming out pretending you have eplilepsy and that it's "ok to cheat on my girlfriend with a big fat slag, she'll never know." I'll tell her. Boys like you should have their balls chopped off, like they do to randy dogs.


4. Mr Joe

I thought I was being dead clever ordering a large chips, but once again I was proven so wrong when Tom was sat there with an orgasmic 12" pizza and I was left with a shitload of your soggy greasy chips with black bits in.


5. Stew

For reading my blog off his own back, then saying I lead a sad life. I don't document every single event of my life on here - I just wouldn't be able to find the space to mention all the crew from my evening flower arranging class and I've still not had chance to upload those pictures of my most recent knitting pattern projects, I'm afraid. Sorry i'm not out getting people pregnant or whatever you cool kids do these days!


6. Me

I've annoyed myself this week. I'd probably do almost everything differently. Apart from my job inerview, that went well! But yeah, I'll take this as an opperunity to apologise if you've found me annoying at any point or if I've "DONE YER HEAD IN". Maybe you havn't even noticed and just don't care! It's only aimed at one person anyway haha! And I love you sooo much!

xxx

BooHoo

I've had a rubbish weekend so far, well apart from finding out that I've got a really decent full-time job - but that's another long and boring story!

Everyone in the house has gone out for a jolly day to Southport and left me at home with empty cupboards! I've not had a Sunday Dinner for well over a month now, which is just a monstrosity! So I went to the freezer and tried to knock-up the closest thing to a roast dinner.

Which means right now I've got two Birdseye chicken fillets, a couple of waffles and a Yorkshire pudding in the oven! Classy!

I wasn't meant to be razzing it up tonight on the town, I've been really ill so it would make sense to recover properly for when I start work on Tuesday! Until I spoke to Mark. And I'm not even going to play the "BUT IT'S OK, I CAN AFFORD IT AS I WON'T BE DRINKING!" game, because I've got a bottle of wine in front of me and whether I decide to go out or not, it's getting chugged down tonight. All I need now is a one bedroom flat and a tatty looking cat and I'm officially a sad spinster!

And now I need to go and knock up some gravy!

xxx

Smooth Balls vs Ginger Tits

Well yesterday turned out to be a fun day! Tom had a day off work, so we spent all morning watching This Morning like a couple on the benefits!

Later on, we decided to pretend we were in an American teen movie and GO ON A DATE TO THE BOWLING ALLEY!!!!!!1111

Whenever me and Tom do anything competetive he always wins. No matter how hard I try he always ends up lapping me seven times on the go-karts! I just accepted this fact and eventually gave up! So he was almost slitting his wrists lastnight when I actually beat him at something! In 40 years time, people in Wigan will still be talking about the day when Tom Porter actually got beaten! HAH! I had to buy him a pizza to stop him from throwing a tantrum as well. Bless!

xxx

A realistic Agony Aunt...

When I was younger, I'd read the problem pages in teen magazines and think "OH MY GOD, I can sooooo totally relate to that! I'm going to take this ladies advice and go and live my life now!" You know the type of thing I'm talking about. Young girls who seek advice about their small tits or heavy periods from some fabricated, friendly looking lady called June - who is really a 56 year old editor called Bernard.

But reading back at them now is so hilarious! The answers are so patronising and politically correct. For example, a 15 year old girl wants to commit and have sex with her boyfriend. She's given the advice that such a thing is illegal and those kind of urges will send you straight to hell! Wouldn't our country's high teenage pregnancy rate be lowered if she was just told to make sure they use a condom? Lets face it, it's going to happen anyway. And probably on a park bench with nothing but a Walkers crisp packet for protection.

But I'll give June some credit. Some of the questions that get asked are equally hilarious. Here are a few examples...


Asked by: Kelly
help! ive never had a boyfriend before, and I want one before the end of year 7! Thats only 9 days away! any tips?

OMG YOUR IN YEAR 7 AND DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND YET?! I bet most of your friends have already lost their virginity - what is wrong you freak?! If you ever expect to have any kind relationship in your lifetime now, your only solution is rape.


Asked by: Amy
hi, i was just recently fingering myself and now my vagina hurts.....what does this mean?

This is God's way of telling you that you WILL die and go straight to hell for your evil sins!

Asked by: Katie
hi im 13 and the fattiest in my class im 9stone already so i tried to loose weight by exersising more and cutting down on ice lollies. i talked to my parents about it and my mum did it with me and cooked healthier meals but iv lost no weight at all if anything iv put it on why is this?

Well, firstly you should ask yourself if all those ice lollies that you've cut out were the real culprit in your obesity. Chasing the ice cream van down the street isn't really a significant amount of exercise to burn away your thunder thighs, is it? Maybe you should also consider cutting out all those pies you keep cramming into yer gob!

Asked by: Sarah
ok. a couple of questions! i go down on my bf, bt the only thing im worried about is wen he comes into my mouth, nd im worried that if i swallow a bit , i mite get pregnant? also my bf fingered me nd i sort of needed the toilet but wasnt that desperate to go ,neway , wen he took his fingers out they were wet, i dont think it was urine coz i wud of known if i was about to pee, but i was sexually excited wen he was doing it to ,so does that mean tht the clear liquid was come?

This just left me speechless! Listen love, your clearly not at the stage of sexual maturity if you think that's how babies are made, what are you doing?! And you felt like you needed the toilet because you were on the brink of a massive orgasm and now you are also going straight to hell!

These are all genuine by the way, which worries me the most!

xxx

Those shoes are shit...

I've just got back from doing a nice bit of window shopping with Em and Mark. And by that I mean we roamed about looking for a cheap pair of shoes for my job interview and then ended up sitting in The Tudor.

We had a good catch-up, its always a laugh with those two little tramps! We could just literally sit there all day talking about nothingness. I've got into the habit of ending up in The Tudor alot lately. Mark described it as "like one of those pubs in Camden where you'd find Amy Winehouse hanging out." So I suppose that's as trendy as we'll ever be getting...

I like it in there though. During the day, there's always the really alternative gang of people sat in a dark corner keeping themselves to themselves. But you just know you'll be bumping into them in the same place on a Friday night and they'll be chatting with you about the state of the economy or reciting poetry at you.

I'm one of those people who HAS to get drunk once I've started drinking. I can't just settle for just a couple. Oh no! A coke leads to another one with Malibu in it. Then I find myself adding double the Malibu. Then I'm ordering a bottle of the cheapest rose wine. Then 3 hours later, Me and Mark are rolling to the bus station holding back gallons of vomit. Our window shopping trips usually end up like this!

Today was just one exception though, because for some silly reason I went and booked a driving lesson at 4:15. Which I better go and be getting ready for!

xxx

God can be so harsh at times...

Now I like to think I'm in touch with all the current affairs of our big wide world. However, today when I was flicking through the paper it wasn't the stabbing of two more teenagers or the horrific trouble that is going on in Georgia that concerned me most. It was something far more shocking.

I want you to imagine that your parents are two massive Hollywood actors. Your Mum is Demi Moore, who was a huge sex symbol in the 80's and is still looking rather fine at almost 50 - we won't mention the old botox however! And your Dad is Bruce Willis who managed to look hot in a white vest when he had abit more hair in the Die Hard movies. Now you'd think that when these two fitties got it on and produced a child, both of their glorious genes would come together to produce some kind of super human with looks that could kill. What could possibly ever go wrong?!

My theory was proven so so wrong when I saw a picture of their daughter Rumer. Now I know i'm no super model myself, but both of my parents raised me in the old industrial town of Wigan so I'm just thankful that I wasn't born a mutant with three extra legs.

BEHOLD!

This poor girl should be blessed with her Mum's gorgeous cheek bones and slender figure, along with her Dad's piercing eyes! Instead all she got stuck with was a big potato head! The poor thing! It goes to show that there really isn't any justice in our world, for Demi Moore's daughter to have to look at her reflection everyday and have a big manly square chin taking up the entire frame!

There is still hope for our poor Rumer though. She has cunningly mastered a look that allows her to look abit more presentable - simply by hiding half of her spud features completely! Bless!


xxx

Had abit of a dry spell...

I've just had a lovely reminiscent moment looking back on my last entries, oh it's been a while! Two years to be precise! In fact, the only reason I'm bumming about around here again is because my good friends Mark and Nathan both write great blogs so I decided to come an laugh at mine in "a cringey fashion".

So how do I fill you in on the last two years? I'll start where I left off...

Not much has changed. I'm still looking for work! I did get a job for a while as a waitress when I was 16. Five quid an hour cash in hand, I had such high aspirations about saving up for my first Porsche Boxster and a quaint little manor house in the country. My boss was one of them that never really gave me any idea when my next shift would be, sometimes I'd be given 15 minutes to get my arse into work. I didn't care at first because I was naive and thought I was rich beond my wildest dreams. But then I went and got all scatty and infatuated over a boy who handily lived an hour away from work so I'd take refuge there at the weekends and let my mum deal with the angry phone calls from work.

Then the phone calls stopped... so I wisely took a hint. So did those weekend visits actually.

I did do another stint at the old working game in a pie shop. People always laugh when I tell them that, but those same people where forming a mile long que on Saturdays demanding that I fill their fat faces with cheese pasties. I got annoyed in the end because I got bored of having to revise slits on pies. Its a gifted talent being able to glance at a line of pies and be able to arrange their flavours according to the number of slits they have. God forbid you ever mix up those slits. And there are SO many different types of bread. I was given so much time to revise them and then I had a test. I didn't care about bread! I wanted to be drunk like all the other cool teenagers!

Amazingly, some other stuff happened during those two years. I finished my A-levels, painted my bedroom pink and learned the hard way that vodka and orange cordial will never end with a happy night!

But I'm finally at that point in my life now where I know this is the happiest I've ever been. I'm madly in love with an amazing boy, I'm about to get a full-time job and I'm almost able to drive. I feel like my life is going somewhere nowadays, rather than just having to worry about steak pies having three slits. And if this is the happiest I'll ever get, I'm quite happy to settle for that!

And that just about sums it up!

xxx